i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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