Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
