I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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