apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
