Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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