final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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