I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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