EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
