it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
