I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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