Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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