Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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