We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
