You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
