I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
