D3 body, D1 cock
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
