I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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