it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
