The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
