Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
