I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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