drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
