Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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