I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
