I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
