if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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