We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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