things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
