Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
