I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
