so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
PANTIES FOUND
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