I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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