somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
