listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
