You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
