If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
