dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
