I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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