I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
