Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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