Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
