your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
