my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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