Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
