if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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