Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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