it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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