I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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