I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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