i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Green mimosas i think yes
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
